4 Foods you can't trust based on their name alone.

You say oxymoron - I say LIES.

February 19, 2020
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Riggs here.  I don’t have kids, so I got a whole lotta free time to find problems that probably don’t bother you as much as me…but you’ll be on board with this one. 

Nobody likes a liar.  Why can’t people just tell the truth?  Huh? 

Why is it so hard?  Telling the truth is literally the easiest thing you can do, because you don’t have to remember anything.   We’re all getting older, so remembering things is paramount as you progress in age. 

Telling the truth means I can trust you.  Right?  Everyone enjoys honesty as a characteristic, that’s up there at the top of the list in “things you look for in a mate.” 

Why, then, is it so hard for these four foods to be honest with themselves?  Instead, they live behind an oxymoron that perplexes us all, young and old…and those with too much time on our hands to obsess and overanalyze over things like this. 

Before I yank on this chain, allow me to explain the concept of an “oxymoron” – a turn of phrase you may or may not know about.  An oxymoron is when two words are put together that mean the opposite.  The word itself, is an oxy moron.  It’s from the two Greek words “Oxy” meaning “sharp” and “Moron” meaning “dull”.  Hence – when someone calls you a moron, they are calling you ‘dull’.  Screw that guy!  Moron!!

Things like ‘dry ice’, or ‘plastic silverware’, or ‘quiet Alley’ – words that don’t go together, ya dig? 

Here are the four oxymoron foods you can’t trust based on their name alone…

 

‘Meatless Meat’

Meatless meat.
Meatless Meat. TELL THE TRUTH! You're a SOY burger or a BLACK BEAN burger.

I know you’re a vegetarian.  You’ve told me three times during this lunch meeting, Susan.  I respect the fact that you don’t eat meat – you do you.  I understand the economic, societal, and moral ramifications of the meats we consume – I don’t want to think about how my bacon goes from a happy little pig to a delicious slice of bacon.  Yes, I’ve seen the documentaries, but I’d rather live in ignorance and enjoy my bacon.  Don’t @ me – but by that token – DON’T CALL NON MEAT THINGS “MEATLESS” ANYTHING. 

RELATED: 10 Vegetarian-Friendly Restaurants in Milwaukee 

Do you realize how ludicrous that sounds?  What’s next – we will start breathing airless air?  Gassles Gas for your car?  Let’s all have some caffeine free Diet Coke while we’re at it. 

I get it, you call it ‘meatless meat’ because “processed soybean vegetables pressed into patty form” doesn’t sound appetizing, does it?  But that’s what it is – ever read the ingredients on the back of the box?  Not saying it’s all BAD for you…it’s just a laundry list of ingredients used to make something that’s not meat, TASTE and LOOK like meat.  I find that odd!  If the whole point of being a vegetarian is to distance yourself from anything meat related, why are you still trying to elbow your way onto my dinner plate with imposter meat products?  Wouldn’t you want to eat things that are the furthest things from meat?  You’re a VEGEtarian, stay in your lane and let the idea of meat go!  Move on!  You’re a herbivore now, bruh!  I mean, if you stop dating someone – would you keep looking for a strikingly substitute for that person?  NO!  You gave up meat and call it what it is – a vegetable patty. 

 

Boneless Spare ribs – or Boneless wings.

BOneless ribs
No Bones about these ribs.

There may have been bones in there at one point, there HAD to be, right?  It came from an animal…animals have bones…so there WERE bones, but now there aren’t any.  There is no need for arguing, tell the truth!  Boneless wings are just adult chicken nuggets.  There’s nothing wrong with that, we all love chickie nuggies.  Just call them what they are.  Ribmeat.  There, was that so hard? 

"boneless" wings.
These are ADULT. CHICKEN. NUGGETS.

Does saying that the ribs are “boneless” make you sound like less of a Neanderthal?  Ribmeat.  Adult chicken nuggets.  Sit down, Chad. 

 

Jumbo Shrimp

Jumbo Shrimp
Are they jumbo? or are they shrimp?

On name alone.  Come on now.  I’d put that up there with ‘soft shell crab’, which almost made the list of four.  Big littles, is what I see when you write the words “jumbo shrimp”.  Don’t get me wrong – jumbo shrimp are delicious, especially with a solid horseradish heavy cocktail sauce. 

Side note: If the “St. Elmo’s” means something to you, we can be friends.

 

Finally…“Fresh Frozen” food.

Frozen Vegetables.  See?
Frozen Vegetables, See?

Sure, it might have been fresh when it was picked off the vine…but that went into a basket, on a truck, to a plant where it was washed, cut, put down a line, washed again, then flash frozen.   Maybe that’s where it needs a change – just call it FLASH frozen.  If you ask me, they are no longer fresh once they hit the freezer and are put into a bag. 

Frozen food aisle
Mmmmm....don't these frozen veggies look....Fresh! #sarcasm

Doesn’t mean they aren’t delicious, AND still have nutritional benefit – so don’t stray from them, they just need to call themselves what they really are – Frozen Food.  Drop the fresh, homie.

Maybe if we, as a human race start being our own true selves, telling our own truths, speaking from our hearts, our food will start to follow suit?  We can certainly be hopeful.  Might seem like one of those “utopian” type things, but we can all be a little nicer to one another. 

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

 

-Riggs